Thanks hor,  i get that alot ! that was such a lame excuse !

next time just be direct can ma ? no need to be so indirect ! as if your such a coward !

Feel so empty in me . There's nothing i could feel right now :( simply lost all sense of feelings 0.0 ~ !

ugh -.-

There's nothing left to say .

K bye !

Woke up at 5 and now on my way to bedok with adawiyah. Doing some volunteering work :) k bye.

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I think i get it. But i am still waiting for you to say it DIRECTLY. !!!
K bye.

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Its scares me TTM :x ugh.. Headache is getting from bad to worse. :(
Walao his such a stalker! Very irritating and scary! Can't give me peace for at least a day :/
Send my brother to sch and off he go for his camp :D yay! :) happy much :) i think i want to bake again :) this time round bake alone :) then give my neighbours :) ahaha :)
Okay head hurt. Ugh k bye.

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I woke up late today, and didn't go to sch.. :( but i am down with very very pain headache and cough.. So its a good thing that i did not go to sch. LOL.

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Yesterday aft having dinner at cwp, we walked home. I purposely closed my eyes and walk. Suddenly something strike into my mind. I ask myself. Walking with eyes close is like leading your own life. You don't know and you can't see what lies ahead but you have to continue walking. You don't even know if its safe or if there is any obstacles ahead.. You don't even know if you'rr walkong the right way...All you have to do is to trust and continue walking. If you were to fall, you have to stand up and continue. Its exactly like leading your life.. You can't see and you don't know what lies ahead your future. But you have to continue living and move on.. Sometimes we don't even know if our choice/path we are in right now is the right place to be..Problems is like obstacles, we must know how to overcome it to move on. Well i guess its true :) ahaha :) just some sharing :) i suddenly have this kind of thinking 0.0 ahah :)
Anyway today band was okay :) 28 more days to the actual SYF! i am so nervous now :( i want a GOLD!! SERIOUSLY! haiz. I think i loosing my voice 0.0 teach my juniors like hell. But worth it :) aft syf sec four is stepping down 0.0 meaning i am no longer going to an ASSISTANT concert master 0.0 oh my.. Nvm stay strong :)

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Sometimes people don't aprriciate our presence ! people don't aprriciate what we have done for them. People are just TOO stupid to think all this ! And they are such a fool to play this "blaming" game !! Without even reflecting upon themself, they're pointing fingers at others ! Who are they to say that they are right ?! Even when a 10 years old kid arguing with an adult, its possible for the kid to fight back with the adult, if the kid did some thinking and reflecting upon himself ! -.- not ALL adults is always right !

Wah today i almost alte for school :x woke up at 7.15 am -.- chiong and run to school!  0.0 actually wanted to skipped sch, but my father force me go -.- oh well :) maybe because i ate too much panodol last night that made me overslept :D but seriously my headache is getting worse :( been receiving holiday homework alr :( idk when to start.That one whole week of holiday, i will be having CCA :( monday,thursday, and saturday :( like got no time to finish everything :o LOLS. just now english class was so epic ;D my patner and i bad mouth abt one person :D ahaha ! :)

i feel like something is not right.. i feel like something is missing...

Do you have symptoms of clinical depression? Sure, most of us feel sad, lonely, or depressed at times. And feeling depressed is a normal reaction to loss, life's struggles, or an injured self-esteem. But when these feelings become overwhelming and last for long periods of time, they can keep you from leading a normal, active life. That's when it's time to seek medical help.

If left untreated, symptoms of clinical or major depression may worsen and last for years. They can cause untold suffering and possibly lead to suicide. Recognizing the symptoms of depression is often the biggest hurdle to the diagnosis and treatment of clinical or major depression. Unfortunately, approximately half the people who experience symptoms never do get diagnosed or treated for their illness.

Not getting treatment can be life threatening. More than one out of every 10 people battling depression commit suicide.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions [YES]
• fatigue and decreased energy [YES]
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness [YES]
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism [YES]
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping [YES]
• irritability, restlessness [DAMN YES]
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable [feels like it]
• overeating or appetite loss [YES]
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment [YES!]
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings [YES!!]
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts [In the past , yes, now idk]

Am i under depression ?! -.- its like all the symptoms i am having now ! -.-  shan't think abt it too much :x
oh btw my speech was VERY WELL DONE :D yay.. my name will not be written in the diary :) phew :)  just now sec one training was super damn frustrating -.- idk if i was the problem or they who is the problem -.- but i was totally irritated and frustrated by everyone ! -.- 
Okay i am so restless now~ BYE!

OH MY .... i hate my english teacher -.- ! For once, i laughed out loud in class, wasn't paying attention but i did do my work ! She can't even give face and let me go ! -.- tmr consequences ; read out my homework and if it is not to her expectations, she will tell mdm aishah abt my behavior in class just now ! WALAO ~ i know i am at fault la, but as if i did that many times ! can't give a chance is it?! aiyo ! For once want to be hyper, because people keep on saying i so emo -.- now hyper kena consequences .... zzz =.= like WTH !
okay did my HOMEWORK -.-
just now band, wow TIRING ! long time no drills, and today drill was so intestive ! eventhough i did not do, but giving command is also tiring man ! i gotta shout like a MAN ! O.O its hard ): its easy for Shane and Syaqim lo.. cause they guy ma... haizz.. But YAY ! finally feels like a Major :D ahahaha ! other than giving command for drills, i did conduct the band just now :D seems like every start of band practice, i've been the one conducting :D yay ! then i get the opportunity to shout "  BAND DIAM ! *give out instructions* " HAHAH :D fun but very very tiring and need lots lots of courage :D ahaha :)  
I very fast worker leh 0.0 i am like the first one to finish all the art work given... now i gotta slack abit :D ahaha :) my head hurts... its been hurting since just now in school 0.0 okay gotta finish my math hw..  BYE ~

Yesterday, we watched i am number four ; midnight show. It was nice :) looking forward for the second part. :) too bad my cousin didn't join us, if not it would be awesome :( perhaps going to have another movie outing with them some other time. Maybe friday :)
Kbye

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Fake smile can never be seen or noticed.
Fake smile can hide every single sadness in your face. Therefore its better to fake a smile than to tell what's going on :D
Just now english, i won the best speech of the day :) wee ~ spoke abt how hard being a Concert Master :) and i won :) Yay :).
Oh darn it :O tmr band exchange!! We going fajar sec. And there will be a total of 8 sch!! Thats alot!! OMG :O. I will be totally nervous! And i will tremble while playing :( it happened like to all the band exchange :( and i just realised, every band exchange, i cried :x that shows i have not show my very best yet. I have still not stood out for my two solo's :( haizz.. 4-5 more week and its SYF! it took months to be perfect. And no matter how perfect every band were during band exchange or band practice, they can break down during SYF due to fear and nervous and all effort is such a waste. Therefore i don't think playing perfectly is the first thing to do. But overcoming fear must be the first thing to do :) ahaha :) shd be telling the band abt this ahaha :)

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Who am i to you?! Who am i to everyone?! I meant nothing to everyone right?! NOTHING RIGHT?!
I just reach home and my house is such a mess! I wonder what my BROTHER (which i no longer consider as one) doing from afternoon till now! NONE of the housework is done by him! I went into the kitchen, No food! Then i receive a msg frm my mother.. She asked me to cook rice and dish for them to eat! Then she ask me to do housework everything and i must make sure that every single housework is done and when she reach home everything is clean. I came back frm sch, very tired, very hungry, i still got hw and revision to do.... I still did what i have to do as a daughter! I did!! But despite all that, NONE appriciate it! Not even a single thank you. BUT an insult was given!! INSULT!! OMG WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON?!!!!! I GET SCOLDED FOR DOING THE WRONG THING BUT HE NEVER GET SCOLDED WHEN HE DID NOTHING! AND I MEAN NOTHING!!!! AT LEAST I HELP BUT I DO WRONGLY RIGHT!!! MY FATHER CALL ME NAME! MY FATHER BEAT ME UP!!! JUST FOR ONE BLOODY MISTAKE!!! ISN'T IT UNFAIR!!! UNFAIRR!!! TRUELY UNFAIR!!!!!! I HATE ALL THIS!!!! I HATE EVERYONE!!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!! DO I DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS?! I AM LOST!! TOTALLY LOST!! I CAN NO LONGER KEEP ALL THE PAINESS TO MYSELF!! IT HURTS ALOT! IDK WHO TO GO TO!! I AM LOST!!!! :'( :'(

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Today wad such such such a bad luck for me.. Bad day for me! I was irritated by my patner! She keep talking to the girls behind then she sat side ways and shake her leg -.- nvr pay attention then ask me teach.. I lazy teach i just hack care.. Thn band, someone made my flute fell and thanks ar! Now my flute SPOIL! not even an apology was given! _l_ now i have to bear with a SPOILED FLUTE -.- then aft full band when cleaning my piccolo, the cloth stuck and was very hard to remove even jie zhi could not take it out. So had to trouble sir, and it made sir's stomach hurt :( haizxx.. Wad a day for me. Even my mood like sotsot de.. Haixxx

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Woo i am posting early in the morning on my way to sch :)
What a way to start my day. -.- well its has been the same through out.. It will always start with a tears and end with a tears. How wonderfool is that... How i wish my life is as plain and as pure as a white wall.. Now my life of white wall is full of black spot all over and cracks all over too! It will soon collapse anyway :D
Reaching sch le. BYE.

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